So Not Perfect

The past few weeks I feel like I've been trapped in a rat race and finally now reaching the finishing line of it all. If you don't follow me on Facebook, which you would have to be an actual friend anyways, my grandpa died a few weeks ago. It was sad and it was so hard on my loved one's but in all I was simply thankful that his suffering had finally ended. He had battled with Alzheimer's and an extreme form of Dementia for years, and in his last months, it was found that he had cancer yet again, but this time, no treatment was done, he was already too far gone and to top it off no one told him because he just would forget a minute later.

After a trip up to Indiana to visit the family and say goodbye to this man who lived a long and full life, I couldn't help but wonder what would Chrispy have to say about me when my days are finally drawn to a close? I know, WAY DEEP! But seriously, would he think I'm a good mother even though some days it seems like all I do is yell at him for doing things, or when I have to give him the ultimate discipline (a spanking, which lasts about a second and I'm crying as I do it)? To be perfectly frank, I hope that he doesn't really reflect back on this time while his Dada was gone and his Momma had to be the good/bad cop every day..ALL DAY!

There are times when I feel like I should have done this or said that to him instead, he would love me more if I did it that way. The problem I face, and what every parent I imagine face when left to raise child the majority on their own is, YOU ARE NOT PERFECT! I lose my temper faster, I tend to stress out easier, or even worse, I don't care at all that you just used my $50 bottle of foundation as paint for your coloring book. I just tend to go through the motions of the day, and lately with all the stress of life coming at me like a roll-a-coaster, I sometimes lose my nerve and freak out on the one person I would lay down this very minute for if it meant HE would be happy. 

What I think stresses me out the most during these times, and it's usually not Chrispy, after all he is only two and I can't expect him to understand, is the lack of support you find yourself getting from other parents. I would love it more if a person would say something encouraging to me like, "your doing a great job" rather than a fake "let me know if you need again" and never actually fulfill their offer they just gave you. Or even worse, the one's who I love to call "helicopter mom's that are judging you not knowing what you could possibly be going through. I find it hardest when I feel really abandoned by friends and family when I need it the most, but yet I'm always there at their side when it is needed.

I love my son so much, and I try everyday to be that "picture imagine of a great mom" and some days (most days) I can pull it off without a hitch, but than you have those bad days or even bad weeks where nothing goes right and you are at odds with yourself and your poor baby is along for the ride. Did I mention I buy him lots of cars and ice cream :) All joking aside, even on our worst days, when I have tears running down my face because I feel like I can't take another minute of it, I still manage to hug and kiss my baby and mean every. single. minute. of. it. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be, but hopefully to him I am at least a good Momma.