This Too Shall Pass

My heart is broken, every breath I take, it feels as if it hurts my chest. I feel lost almost, something is foreign to me, and at times, I lose myself in a thought or memory. There are moments that I doubt my strength and become afraid, will my life every be the same?

If you are a personal friend or family member, you know, my father has passed away. It was just like any other Tuesday afternoon. Chrispy and I had just finished our lunch and were getting ready to take our afternoon nap when I got the call. The call. My mother was in tears and I could barely understand her but what I did get will forever stay in my memory, my dad was at the hospital, he had a massive heart attack and they were unable to retrieve a pulse. My mom said goodbye and than I waited.

I sunk to the floor of our kitchen and couldn't move, couldn't breath, and felt like the room was spinning. Tears began to fill my eyes and cover my face. Call my husband, call my husband.....that's what ran through my head. All it took me was to say my dad had a heart attack and he said he would be right there. It felt like in the time it took for my husband to get off the phone to getting to me, I could remember everything about our time together, my dad and I, our precious time together.

My husband arrived and immediately grabbed me into his chest and squeezed me so tight, at that moment, I knew something was wrong. My husband than grabbed my phone to call my mom, I held my breath, and than, she said it, he was gone. My heart sank, I grabbed the side of a cabinet and had to hold on as if I was holding it in place and controlling it, and began to feel my heart brake. The pain was unbearable.

My father was my rock and taught me to be the strong woman I am today. He was my first love, the one I could always run to, and the reason I was able to know what a good man was when I found my husband. I knew, no matter what, I could always count on my dad, and now he is gone. I know I'm not the only girl who has lost her dad, but it is a pain that I have never known.

I know there is a reason God took my father after only 64 years of a well-seasoned life, but I'm still trying to come with terms on why, for my own selfish reasons. I only got 27 years with my dad, far too less than what I would like, but at least he got to see me grow into a woman, to marry a great man, and to give him his first grandson.

I don't ever think the space in my heart will fill again, because it was his space. Everyday will be a little better, a little brighter. One day I will be happy I got to spend some time with my dad before the winter of his life was over. One day I won't cry randomly at every stop light in my parents hometown, or when I smell someone that smells like him. I can still see his face, every detail, and still here him laugh. At times I wish he were here just so I can sit up an  argue with him :)

The point of this random post is, I miss my dad. I loved him. He will always be the best man I have ever known. Time can only heal this pain.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18